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On a warm Saturday afternoon, I was driving to a conservation area to enjoy the beach water and sand. Every Ontario resident knows that Lake Ontario is a touch-me-not kinda lake. So I was northward bound.

As a hater of highways, it’s my divine duty to take country roads and bridges. There’s no shortage of it in Hamilton-Halton Area. In fact, I recently began building my life around this town. Only took me 9 months to realize I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate Hamilton. I don’t think I hate any land. I just feel my energy isn’t accepted in some places. (except the Art Gallery of Hamilton and may be Locke St.)

Anyway, the bright warm Saturday afternoon, Eric Church on Spotify, and then…BAM!! I was in a collision. I’m not sure what hurt more: my body or my soul. Because when I got out, I saw my car. My first ever car. My girl Gori. And my mind froze. One of my companions since 2017. The others are my cat and my books.

2017 was a big year for me: I was converted to a full-time position, I was adopted by my cat, Ms. Molly Mean McQueen, I “officially” graduated, created a Nerd Room (a mix of art studio and library) and brought Gori home. That was the year I actually began building my life, and since then we became family.

At the end of the day, these are just things. But really, these were my 20’s. We travelled and moved together. We’ve created memorable experiences across Fredericton, New Brunswick to Lachine, Quebec to Ottawa and now Hamilton, Ontario. And then so much of that life collapsed. The timing of this collision was extremely bad because I had just begun to rebuild.

“The vessel that once represented freedom feels like confinement right now.”

I’m not a motor vehicle nerd. To me, vehicles are a medium that take me from point A to point B. So Gori is not a fancy car, but she’s my first, my safety bubble, my freedom, my escape, my camper, my stargazer, my wind chaser, my partner in multiple corporate Irish goodbyes. But seeing her in that state, I had flashbacks, gratitude, grief all at once. I finally understood how it felt to have all the air taken out of my lungs.

Over the years in therapy, I’ve experimented with many grounding techniques. Only the ones that are more trauma-informed actually work. The safe-word: DUST, which was code for “Everything is okay. I’m rooted. Even if it doesn’t look like it, everything is okay. I’m okay. I’m alive. I’m breathing. I’m safe. Everything else is dust.”

I can’t help but thank the heavens for this was small and both of us drivers were safe. I have begun driving again, slowly but surely. I haven’t been back there. But it surprises me when I scream and hold on to the steering wheel for dear life every time someone takes a left turn on my green.

The vessel that once represented freedom feels like confinement right now. I’m hoping it’s because it’s a rental and it’ll change when I get Gori back. Unfortunately, it’s more than just physical pain and fear. This is strong, “you can’t spiritually bypass your karmic thread babe” and honestly it weighs me down.

“Motivational and affirmative words hurt more than they help.”

Meanwhile, I’m in pain, which makes me slow, I’ve also lost endurance. And the timing. I’m in a career pivot and it requires consistency. I can’t be consistent with many things. Physiotherapy has been great. And the cherry on top is that just as I was beginning to get better, my cat bit me. Again. She got my right hand. The collision got my left. (Mercury, Neptune, Pluto & Saturn retrograde much!?)

In fact, I’m writing this on my iPhone. (Please excuse any thumb typos.)

Honestly, I can’t pretend to feel strong. Because I don’t have any strength. I’m physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally drained. In fact, I actually want to fall apart because going through this alone is hard. It would be, for anybody. Motivational and affirmative words hurt more than they help.

And me being me, obviously had a astrological lens as well as obsession with recognizing karmic patterns. Because the last time, on April 5, my cat bit me in the face, I went to the hospital. And this time, I went back on July 5. Both times were Mercury and Saturn heavy, i.e., my soul planet and the planet of Karma respectively.

Both times, I was alone. No family. No fallback.

Both times, I was forced to look at the same brutal pattern: sit through it, slow down and feel. I felt vulnerable and unsafe.

I’m human. So I let the voice in my head think it was a punishment. And when I began writing this, I was furious because I was about to lose more than I had. Yes, it was a minor collision. Yes, nobody was seriously injured. But somehow, it seemed like I was the one paying the price. I wanted to write about how easy it is for an innocent individual to face the consequences of a system that allows the other to simply walk away.

But I won’t. Because this world could witness a kind heart. Sometimes it’s just as critical to bring awareness to the hidden good in this world.

The other driver was considerate and honest, and that’s rare. On the day of the incident as well, they were calm, remorseful and didn’t leave until I was taken to the hospital. In fact, I had refused medical help and they insisted I get it because I was beginning to limp and was in extreme pain. I made sure that the people involved in the process knew that because it’s so easy to blame anyone. But it’s much easier and wholesome to appreciate the simplest acts of kindness.

I believe there is a need to understand that it’s not the people we need to be fighting. We must direct our frustrations to the systemic structures that pit us against each other. And that’s only possible when we have the courage to be honest and do the right thing, collectively.

As much as I am grateful for the cosmic, ancestral and karmic protection, I also hope I can bring Gori home soon. I am also hoping that there’s good karma out there waiting to bless them for doing the right thing, and with integrity.

Taking responsibility, holding ourselves accountable is difficult. It either needs a heart full of kindness, a journey to self-awareness or both. The world could use more people like them. Now more than ever.