You’d think that after two inconsistent attempts to become a blogger as a youngion, ten years of consulting and six months of hibernation, I’d have a lot to say. And you’d be correct. The first post however, has that ‘first impression is the last impression‘ pressure to it. So I got to work with my favorite coworker, my sweet and petite senior tabby Ms. Molly Ma’Queen!

Over the past week, we brainstormed—late-night whiteboard sessions, early morning research sessions, you name it. Yeah, yeah, I’m a single cat lady who loves to read, writes poetry, loves art, thinks deeply about the society and her impact, names her plants, and is pivoting careers in her almost mid-30s while at the peak of her career.

With no sound advisory board, Ms. Molly and I spent hours trying to figure out what’s next. There was some ChatGPT involved, but I might be the only person who argues with it and tells it to buzz off. Some important decisions were made about the content, what I can offer through my writing, whether fear can take a hike, if red looks good on me (do I shine, or is it a crime?), and other critical matters.

And so we decided, to do exactly what I had promised to do when I left Microsoft—speak the truth and write from the heart, even if it’s raw; especially if it’s raw. So here’s to my third first blog post where I talk about what’s cooking on that whiteboard between tea, naps and Ms. Molly’s purrs.

PAST IS IN THE PAST FOR A REASON

And the reason is, that you live, you learn and you grow (or ignore… no judgment here). It also applies to what’s next as well because every future has a past. And I’m done writing about it, mulling over it, filtering it, being afraid or ashamed of it. Been there, done that. I’m extremely grateful for my journey because I wouldn’t be here otherwise. I could have done without some of the bends in my path, but I don’t want to waste my time (or yours) by contemplating on decisions and choices. Lessons learned—Bea’s is moving on!

Yes, you got that right—I don’t have regrets. To some, it’s being so shameless and selfish, but if incorporating gratitude and really embracing everything I was and am grateful for left no room for regret, well then may be I am shameless and selfish. And though there is a thin line between imagination and visualization of rational goals, my focus is on the future.

AN ANXIOUS EMPATH’S JOURNEY TO THE UNKNOWN

One truth I’ve always known is that anxiety and affective empathy come naturally to me, and for a long time, I had no boundaries between the two. None what so ever. Mindful breathing was one strategy I tried, and still struggle with because I get hyper-ventilated to a point of passing out. That’s a work in progress. A later ADHD diagnosis helped me learn about my limitations and my strengths.

Years later, I was still anxious, still sensitive, still an empath, but more grounded in my strengths. It’s not been easy. Somewhere between managing deliverables and proactively mitigating risks, I became rigid—mistaking it for discipline. (thank you self-deception) While professionally, it served me well as consultant but cost spontaneity. Blaming it on adulting, 30s, and external pressures, I mapped every step with certainty and clarity. Nothing to see here, just a CompSci major, reducing life in 0s and 1s.

The fear of unknown is real. But when externalized, I couldn’t let it kill my dreams too. I already let people judge them, redirect me, and reshape my dreams without ever asking what I wanted. And though I hold no grudges at all, I am reclaiming my power.

SO WHAT CHANGED?

Today, I still don’t have clarity on my next steps. However, isn’t the whole point of this leap of faith doing what I find fulfilling and not controlling the outcome? There are somethings we know and there are things that make sense only after we embody them. These two made sense to me now more than ever:

There are people walking the face of the earth knowing their intended path, and some are led to it through more valleys than peaks. And for the first time in years, I’m okay to be the latter. It’s okay to be the latter. We live in a materialized capitalist society with fear-mongering and inflation as breaking points for many of us, but when you embrace the flow, you allow room for abundance. That can mean money for some, house, travel, experiences, etc. and for me, it’s impact.

David Wagoner’s 1971 poem, Lost, has been around me, read many times, but only made sense now, after being lost with no path ahead.

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

I was genuinely lost. The path ahead of me was unclear. And every time I thought I got a glimpse of it, it disappeared. The path behind me began to fade and wasn’t leading me anywhere close to familiarity. Not much has changed, except now each step I take is building a bridge between my physical and spiritual worlds by living a conscious and creative life.

WHY SHARE WITH THE WORLD—WHY NOW?

The metamorphic shedding of skin is a process we need to sit through because only then we can assure ourselves that nothing of importance is lost. If it were to be, it would’ve been. We live in a cruel world. But what’s our contribution to make it less cruel?

The way our social and political systems are designed, decides how we function. When did we lose our cognitive agencies? Why did we give our power away? When I took up astrology to figure out why was everything that I touched turned to ash, I learned it was not a punished, rather a redirection, because it was time for me to become ash, only to rise again. And because of the nerd that I am, I went in deep and I delved into cultures across the world. Then it hit me why astrology was trending, especially in younger generations outside of India. I talk about it in my upcoming post.

I can’t save the world. Especially, as someone with net worth as low as mine, I have no power. But I have intention and thought that I can share to empower each of us to change our narratives and navigate life with purpose. And as much as we want to see tangible results, the journey begins within. It’s hard, but trust me it’s worth it.

Karmic debt and patterns don’t always have to mean living in survival mode. And right now, we as a collective stand at the dawn of a new era. We need each other more than ever. Every thought, intention and action matters generationally. We just have to listen, look around and within but don’t because of the bills, superficiality, extremism, ego and hours of unfulfilling work, etc. has burnt us out. I wonder if that was the plan all along!?

WHAT CAN WE EXPECT FROM EACH OTHER?

If you got this far, you probably know I have elaborate, strong, and unofficial opinions on topics that are generally considered sensitive or taboo—or even trendy—but you can expect an entirely different take. I write poems, review art work, exhibitions, literature, behind the scenes of my creative living.

Astrology, philosophy and physics! Yes, I’m spiritual and a nerd. A spiritual nerd? I love talking about the seen, unseen and everything in between. It has nothing to do with my Hindu upbringing in India or belonging to the lineage of an ancient sage, credited with contributions to the Rigveda and Ayurveda, or the fact that he was a scholar, economist, grammarian, and physician.
Humble brag alert: Obviously, none of that is my accomplishment—I’m just riding the ancestral coattails, cashing in on the family name!

Seriously though, you can expect logical and theoretical reasoning when I talk about astrology, energies, planets, dimensions, abilities, spiritual practices, oracle, quantum leaps, etc. The list goes on. I am wired to combine faith with facts. And in return, you can return for my next post.

What choice do I have if the cosmic Louisville Slugger hit me in the face? After literally questioning my existence, I surrendered to the path I’m intended to be on, and shift my view of life from black-and-white to a spectrum of rainbow colors.

Though my journey is still unfolding—full of questions, discoveries, and some necessary chaos. If anything here spoke to you, drop a comment, share your thoughts, or subscribe to follow along.

Here’s to new beginnings, third times, and showing up—even when it’s messy. Glad you’re here.

PS: I look great in everything, except anything red’s a crime.